The Name Behind the News
October 04, 2020
Edition 08
It’s October! Billie Joe Armstrong was not happy about being woken up. In fact, he woke up drenched in his pain again. Well, now that summer has come and passed, let’s dive into this week’s news.
(To my grandparents, who recently subscribed, Billie Joe Armstrong is the lead singer of Greenday who sings the song, “Wake Me Up When September Ends.” The above paragraph includes lyrics from the song. Also, please send some homemade matzoh ball soup. Thanks.)
Weekly Stats (and more!)
# of days until the US Election --> 31, ↓ 7 days since last week
Time remaining on the NYC “Climate Clock” --> 7 years, 88 days
Days until Halloween --> 27
Record of NFL teams who play their home games in the state of New Jersey --> 0-7… probably 0-8 before today is done
College football games played yesterday --> 32, ↑ 4 since last week
Richmond’s forecast is looking mighty fine with a week’s worth of low 70s days and cool nights. If you can get outside, do it! If not, call the cops! Why can’t you get outside?!?
Week in Review
It has been a wild week of news. I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t make sure all of you were well-informed about what’s been happening, so here’s a run down.
Trump’s Finances: It feels like this was weeks ago. The New York Times secured a copy of the President’s tax returns. How did we get to a point where the subject of tax returns is one of the most compelling news stories of the week.
Presidential Debate: The first 2020 Presidential Debate involved two 70+ year old white men yelling at each other. Thanksgiving is the only other time an event like that could happen, and, like the debate, no one wants to be watching it.
Crocs: Bad Bunny and Justin Bieber have both partnered with Crocs over the past week and sales have soared. Apparently, these “shoes” are like the ugly girl at the beginning of every 90’s teen movie. When she takes off her glasses, let’s down her hair, and partners with Justin Bieber, everyone likes her!
Walter Reed: The U.S. Army pathologist and bacteriologist who researched Yellow Fever died in November, 1902.
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Chain of Succession
This week, President Trump was hospitalized at Walter Reed Military Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland after contracting COVID-19. One important message that various news outlets have stressed is that regardless of what happens to Trump, the U.S. government will continue to function. Baked into the The Constitution is a series of protocols for the continuation of our government if the President dies in office. As we all know from our 4th grade social studies class, this is called the order of succession. None of our subscribers are in 4th grade anymore, so let me refresh you on the what-ifs of government and death.
IF: President Trump expires due to complications with the coronavirus…
THEN: Vice President Pence becomes President.
IF: President Pence dies because he gets shocked while trying to “electrocute the gay” out of someone…
THEN: Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, becomes President.
IF: President Pelosi gets impeached by the Republican-controlled House and Senate...
THEN: Chuck Grassley, President Pro-Tempore of the Senate becomes President.
IF: Chuck Grassley steps down because I’m pretty sure President Pro-Tempore is a made up position...
THEN: A bunch of Secretaries are next in line.
IF: We get all the way to the Secretary of Homeland Security dying in office...
THEN: Your mailman becomes President. It’s a federal position after all.
IF: Your mailman steps down...
THEN: The 14 year old FIFA-certified soccer referee who gave your cousin a yellow card last weekend becomes President. And, quite honestly, that sounds like a step up from our current situation.
Where’s Waldo?
Answer below.
Comics, Described
Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.
Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for September 30, 2020
In Panel 1, our two protagonists, Rat and Pig, are climbing a steep mountain. We see a directional sign pointing up the mountain that says, “Wise Ass on the Hill.”
In Panel 2, Rat reaches the top of the mountain where he finds the “Wise Ass on the Hill,” a literal donkey that is meant to be a guru of sorts. Rat asks him, “O, great Wise Ass, how have you managed to keep it together so well with all that’s going on?... The virus, the economy, the chaos.”
In Panel 3, we get the Wise Ass’s response. He gestures to a large pile of empty beer cans on the other side of the mountain and explains, “I’m just very, very drunk.”
In the final panel, Rat has returned to the bottom of the hill. He turns to Pig and states, “He’s wiser than I thought.” Drinking one’s problems away?! Now that’s comedic.
Where’s Waldo Answer: He’s at a Klan rally!
May have gotten a bit too political with today’s Edition, but as the late, great Kurt Vonnegut says, “So it goes.”
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I’m Scott, and this is Scott’s Edition. Have a great start to the week!
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