The Name Behind the News
September 27, 2020
Edition 07
America is at a crossroads! Our country has been faced with one difficult decision after another this year, and Scott’s Edition hasn’t weighed in on them yet. Well, I think that’s a good decision on our part. Let’s continue to avoid divisive and complex political topics and dive in!
Weekly Stats (and more!)
1) # of days until the US Election --> 38, ↓ 7 days since last week
2) Time remaining on the NYC “Climate Clock” --> 7 years, 95 days
3) Number of real stats presented in today’s Scott’s Edition --> 2, ↑ 2 since last week
4) Days until we have to wake up Greenday (specifically Billie Joe Armstrong) --> 3
5) College football games played yesterday --> 28
Richmond Weather: There’s gonna be some rain, some Sun, and some cloudy days. It’ll be warm a few days and then cooler some other days. Generally, the Sun will be out during the day and then not out at night. So… plan accordingly.
Weekly Scottlight
Each week, the Edition will catch up with someone and get to know them a bit better. This week, I interviewed Tyler Herro, the Miami Heat wonderkid who scored a team-high 37 points in the Game 4 Eastern Conference Finals matchup.
SCOTT: Tyler, how does it feel to set the record for most points by a rookie in a conference finals?
Tyler: To be honest, I’m just happy we were able to pull out the win.
Tyler’s Media Manager: That’s good, Tyler. Now mention how much your teammates contributed.
Tyler: Also, I definitely couldn’t have done this without my teammates.
SCOTT: It seems like you’re saying all the right things right now. You don’t appear selfish at all.
Tyler: Well thanks man, I appreciate that. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at interacting with the media recently.
Tyler’s Media Manager: Damnit Tyler! Stop self-promoting yourself like that! People will think you’re an asshole!
Tyler: *Breaks down in tears, unsure of what to say next*
SCOTT: Great. Best of luck in Game 5, Tyler.
SPONSORED BY WRISTYS™
Put your hands together for the transportation revolution!
Let me paint you a word picture. You’re in 5th grade. The bell rings at 10:15am signalling that it’s time for lunch. You head to the cafeteria, trade your Lunchables to Asher so that he’ll let you sit at the “cool kids table,” scarf down the soggy PB&J that Asher’s step-mom packed for him, and then head outside for recess. You sprint toward the 4-square court on the far side of the blacktop, only to be beaten there at the last minute by Asher! Wondering how he beat you, you glance down to see that he’s wearing Heelys, the coolest shoe-meets-skate combo since World War II. As the loser you are, you begin to cry.
Fast forward 15 years to today and now you’re the one beating 5th graders to the 4-square court because you bought yourself a pair of Wristys™! Why skate on two feet, when you could slide past losers on two hands? It’s an easy way to travel AND it’s a shoulder workout. Best of all? Asher’s been indicted for tax evasion and will spend the next twenty years of his life in prison!
Get your pair of Wristys today!
Recently Googled
By Taylor C.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Of course, our beloved Disney pal Goofy is a dog. Not only does he have canine characteristics, but also Disney is on record referring to the toon as a dog! So what gives? Why is this even a question? Seems like a pretty open and shut case. *Scoff* Let's explore this a little more…
Goofy is a bipedal creature with comprehensible, albeit often goofy (too on the nose?), language patterns. Pluto is, for all intents and purposes, the same as any common dog, a four-legged, woofing pet of Mickey Mouse. This implies Goofy and Pluto are different species as they both exist in the same world.
Goofy's love interest in Disney lore is Clarabelle Cow who is, well, a cow. Now, I'm not saying Goofy can't date outside of his species, but there is precedent in the Disney canon that mouse dates mouse and duck dates duck ala Mickey/Minnie and Donald/Daisy. The only inconsistency here is the name alliteration.
Goofy resembles, specifically, an Aberdeen-Angus cattle. Obviously.
Pretty convincing, right? Well that's what the fake news media wants you to think. There was a movement in 2012 that called Goofy's heritage into question which resulted in an in-depth satirical article outlining the troubled history of Goofy's cow-based lineage. Just do what I did and google it for way-too-in-depth analyses. But for everyone's peace of mind... here's why he is undeniably a dog:
In his first appearance with Mickey Mouse, he was called "Dippy Dawg". DAWG = DOG.
The Clarabelle argument is void. The characters have distinct physical differences. Just look at the snouts. Pluto and Goofy resemble each other much more than Clarabelle and Goofy. Plus, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy hook up from time to time. Tell me that's not more ridiculous than a cow and dog.
He doesn't look like a cow. That was a lie above to stick to the rule of threes.
There ya have it. Goofy is, and always was, a dog. Hope you enjoyed the roller coaster.
If you enjoyed Taylor’s article, he’s asked that you let him know by filling out this form which asks you to “curse him out as creatively as possible.” Why? I honestly have no idea. Taylor’s kind of a weird dude. But let’s give Taylor the weird support that he wants.
Comics, Described
Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.
Wizard of Id by Parker and Hart for September 24, 2020
In the first panel, The King sits on his throne, looking down at his Chief Knight, Rodney. The King demands, “Bring me my instruments of torture.”
In panel two, Rodney smirks as he passes a bag of golf clubs to The King. He snidely comments, “Here you go, sire.”
The final panel shows Rodney hanging by his wrists in a dungeon. He states, “ NO sense of humor…” Oh boy, I bet The King is pretty bad at golf!
Here’s to another week of nonsensical news. Big thanks to Taylor for continuing to Google things.
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I’m Scott, and this is Scott’s Edition. Have a great start to the week!
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