The Name Behind the News
September 21, 2020
Edition 06
Welcome to Fall! Or “Autumn,” if you’re kind of an asshole. The season of falling leaves begins on Tuesday the 22nd, so like Starbucks, I will be completely focused on all things pumpkin. With that, let’s fall in!
Weekly Stats (and more!)
World’s Large Pumpkin Record --> 2,624.6 lbs
Number of New Leaves on the Ground --> 0… this season is a lie
Number of Medical Emergencies at Oktoberfest 2019 --> 2,852
Days until we have to wake up Greenday --> 9
Boston Beer Company Stock Price --> $877.36, ↓ -.24%
Looks like we’re in for a beautiful week of low 70s weather. I don’t really have a joke about the forecast this week which is kind of strange. Guess I’m just feeling under the weather.
Weekly Scottlight
Each week, the Edition will catch up with someone and get to know them a bit better. This week, I interviewed the Sun. It’s the glowing ball of fire we all see in the sky every day. It heats our planet and sometimes wears sunglasses.
SCOTT: It’s an honor to meet you. Are you upset that on Wednesday there will be more darkness than light?
The Sun: I see you’re referring to the autumnal equinox. And there will actually only be more darkness than light in the northern hemisphere. This is really a vacation for me because I get to go spend more time in the Caribbean! Plus, I can check on my offshore banking accounts in the Cayman’s.
SCOTT: You have an offshore banking account? Man, all you stars are the same.
The Sun: You mean “stars” like famous people but also “stars” because I’m a star. That pun is pretty lit.
SCOTT: You mean “lit” like slang for cool but also “lit” because you’re bright. I think this joke is over. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.
The Sun: That’s every day for me.
Scott: Fantastic. Okay then. This interview has been out of this world.
SPONSORED BY STARBUCKS’ PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE
Giving teen girls an excuse to say, “I like coffee” since 2003.
Upcoming AP Calculus test? Meeting a college admissions officer for an interview? Fully grown man embarrassed that you don’t like coffee? Good thing it’s September and Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte is back!
Our patented recipe includes blending a full pumpkin with two cups of sugar using a unicorn horn as a stirrer (don’t worry, unicorn horns grow back!). Then, we add in a tablespoon of our Pike Place roast, the minimum required for the drink to technically be considered “coffee.” Finally, our baristas top the drink with 3 cups of whipped cream and the tears of the homeless person that stands outside. Your Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte comes with a Grande dose of diabetes, so come get yours today!
Brendon’s Wiches - Review of Chiocca’s Italian Sub
By Brendon K.
For my inaugural sandwich review, I went straight to the top: Chiocca’s Italian sub. This may be my all-time favorite sandwich. However, I’ve only enjoyed this sandwich juggernaut in the murky depths of Chiocca’s basement restaurant, half-cocked on pitchers of PBR and lukewarm well-whiskey in the company of friends. How does it stack up to my incredible expectations as I eat it alone at my kitchen table, stone-cold sober?
Fantastic. It’s as good as I remember eight months ago, crushing beers with my co-worker Max after a long day erecting jib cranes at work. The meat is the star of this sub. The sweet honey ham and salty salami dominate the flavor while the hot peppers, provolone, LTO and Italian dressing act as the supporting cast. They don’t ask for attention, spilling out of the sub at every chance they get. Rather, they compliment the meat with every bite. Takeout subs are always at risk of being a soggy and morose affair, but not this one. The bread was perfectly toasted, with just a hint of oily slickness from the Italian dressing. Toothpicks secured the sub internals to themselves and to the take-out container to ensure everything was secure during transit. Enjoyed with a cold PBR and served with sweet pickles and plain potato chips, there is nothing more I could ask of this meal.
The experience Chiocca’s provides has always been a highlight, but do the dimly lit booths and good company mask an otherwise mediocre sandwich? Not in this case. I look forward to the in-person dining experience at this hole-in-the wall sandwich shop in Richmond, but until then, Chiocca’s takeout gourmet Italian sub will do more than tide me over.
One Real Thing - The Storybenders Podcast
Every now and then I’ll talk about something that isn’t a complete joke. This week, it’s the Storybenders Podcast.
We have a new subscriber, and his name is Scott A. Naturally, he’s one of my best friends. His brother Josh recently released a new podcast called “Storybenders” that dissects each episode of the hit TV series, “Avatar: the Last Airbender.” I gave it a listen and liked it enough to tell all of you to do the same.
“Conflict, Theme, Character, Plot. These are the elements that live together in harmony inside all of the stories we love. Only the Storybenders have the ability to shape and dissect stories as they see fit. And when the world needed us most, we podcasted,” starts Josh Arkin's and co-star Aabria Iyengar's comedic yet intellectual deep dive into IMDB’s 12th ranked all-time TV series. Episode 0 focuses on the M. Night Shyamalan film adaptation, but don’t worry! While the adaptation itself was hot garbage in a dumpster fire, the Storybenders episode was top-notch, underscoring the numerous flaws from character name pronunciation to lack of spirit world inclusion, to the snail-paced bending speed (or is it a snail-bear?). All-in-all, Josh and Aabria are easy-to-listen-to hosts with charming, relaxed on-air personalities. I’d highly recommend this podcast for true Avatar fans and look forward to Episode 1. I give it 4.5 out of 5 Scotties (I’d give it a 5, but anything involving M. Night Shyamalan’s adaptation does not deserve a perfect score).
Comics, Described
Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.
Off the Mark by Mark Parisi for September 20, 2020
Only a one-panel cartoon today. We see a man and woman, presumably standing inside their home, staring at a fish tank. The man is pointing at the seven goldfish in the tank, explaining, “I named them after the days of the week…”
The woman, confused, replies, “I can’t tell them apart.”
The man rounds out the comic by stating, “Exactly.”
Now, if you’re still unsure that the joke is that during quarantine every day seems the same, the comic strip includes a title block at the lower right that says, “Work-From-Home Hobbies.” Thus, it is now humorous.
Hope everyone’s Fall season gets off to a great start this week. I’m happy to be back in your inbox after a one-week hiatus. Also, huge shoutout to Brendon K. for his sandwich submission!
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I’m Scott, and this is Scott’s Edition. Have a great start to the week!
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