The Name Behind the News
September 6, 2020
Edition 05
Happy Labor Day Weekend! This weekend gives you an extra day to digest the absurdity that is Scott’s Edition. It also gives you a chance to reflect and pay your respects to all of the laborers that have died to make this weekend possible. A moment of silence, please.
Thank you. Let’s dive in.
Weekly Stats (and more!)
James River Gage Height --> 6’0", ↑ 31% in the past week.
Scott’s Height --> 6’1” on his toes - yes, I actually measured.
AB InBev Stock Price --> 58.44, ↓ 0.96%
Days until we have to wake up Greenday --> 23
Gold --> $1935.80, ↓ 1.5% in the past week.
Richmond has some nice days in store for the week. My English teacher always told me to use synonyms instead of the word, “nice,” but who cares what she ponders.
Weekly Scottlight
Each week, the Edition will catch up with someone and get to know them a bit better. This week, I interviewed our newest subscriber, Lauren. Her last name is Scott, which means she joins Bobby Scott as our two hall-of-fame subscribers.
SCOTT L. (me): Good to see you, Lauren. I’m glad you’ve subscribed to Our Edition. What was it like growing up as a “Scott.”
L. SCOTT (her): It was interesting. As a kid, I didn’t realize how it special it was because everyone else in my family was also named Scott. Then, as I got older I realized it wasn’t special at all!
SCOTT L.: I hear you. Growing up, my parents always told me, “You’re not special.” So, I knew pretty early on. On an unrelated note, do you think I could take your last name if we ever got married?
L. SCOTT: Sure! But only if I can take your first name.
SCOTT SCOTT: That seems fair. Thanks for joining me today, Scott Scott. I’m sure my girlfriend, Maddie, won’t be thrilled with this week’s interview, but sometimes journalistic integrity has to come first!
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Above: Actual Logo from Pupatella Pizza
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Brandon explains, “I came up with this design one night while sitting around the bonfire. I thought, ‘You know what screams Pizza? A masked white guy in a pointy hood and a scantily clad woman riding around on an oversized scooter with zero regard for proper head protection.’ I think it was a great success. Mussolini would be proud… ya know, cause he’s Italian.”
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*On a serious note, how did someone at Pupatella allow this logo to happen? It’s almost as bad as Bud Light’s 2015 ‘Up For Whatever’ campaign.
Our Planet - Cicadas
As those in the Mid-Atlantic United States have noticed, there are an overwhelming amount of Cicadas out and about. I did some research and discovered that these are the Brood IX Cicadas which emerge once every 17 years. Next year, the entire northwestern U.S. will see the Brood X Cicadas (who also come around every 17 years), but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. This past week, I accidentally let one of the Brood Niners inside, and I thought I’d regale you with the heroic tale of me vanquishing the would-be-conqueror.
My girlfriend and I had just finished dinner and were disposing of our food scraps in the compost bin outside. I opened the door to step back inside when I heard a loud buzzing in my ear and felt a small projectile hit my neck. My training instinctively kicked in and I flailed my arms like someone had just pushed me into a pool unexpectedly. I had successfully swatted the bug away from my face, but, OH NO! I had re-directed the beast inside. It hovered menacingly in the hallway, staring down my girlfriend who was frozen with fear. I quickly jumped in between them, yelling, “Maddie, get me a broom!” I turned to see she had fled. It was up to me now.
The hard-shelled heathen dove straight at me! I rolled to the side while simultaneously snatching the pan we had used to cook dinner. The critter quickly careened toward me once more, but I was ready this time. Like Barry Bonds after a juice session, I swung for the fences! The sharp ding of pan on pest confirmed my aim. The cicada crashed into the door hard enough to blast it open, sending the intruder back out into the cold dark world. We were safe once again.
In reality, I trapped the cicada between a Swiffer and the wall and then repeatedly swung a reusable grocery bag at it until I was sure it was dead. Then I picked it up in a paper towel and threw it outside. But let’s go with my first version of the story.
Where’s Waldo?
Answer below.
Comics, Described
Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.
Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller for September 5, 2020
We’ve got just a single panel cartoon today. Clouds shroud the floor and two characters with angel wings stand behind a velvet rope and a gold-plated podium. Clearly, this is meant to depict the gates of heaven. The character standing at the podium has a large book open, and he is holding a quill pen. This character is a giraffe. The other character is a human, also with angel wings, who is looking disapprovingly at an object at the entrance. The giraffe-angel says, “Well, when it’s your shift, you can reset the preferences any way you like.” We see that the object is a very tall post with a sign reading, “You must be at least this tall to enter.” The giraffe-angel has made it so that only other giraffes will be able to get into heaven! Haha! Giraffes are tall, aren’t they!?!
Where’s Waldo Answer: He’s at the Nuremberg Trials!
That’ll do it for today. Have a great Labor Day Weekend! I’m taking some time off this coming week, so I’ll be back in your inbox on September 20th.
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I’m Scott, and this is Scott’s Edition. Have a great start to the week!
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