The Name Behind the News
August 30, 2020
Edition 04
Happy penultimate day of August! Somehow September starts next week. This year has flown by, so I am officially launching a petition to scratch these 365 days from our calendar and instead begin 2020 this coming January 1st. Who’s with me?! Sign here. And, after you sign, let’s dive into this week’s news!
Weekly Stats (and more!)
James River Gage Height --> 4’7", ↓ 13% in the past week.
Scott’s Height --> Extra Average
AB InBev Stock Price --> 59.16, ↑ 0.34%
Days left in August --> 1
Gold --> $1965.30, ↑ 1.18% in the past week.
We’ve got some rain, we’ve got some sun, we’ve got a little bit of everything in the forecast.
Weekly Scottlight
Each week, the Edition will catch up with someone and get to know them a bit better. This week, I interviewed a guy in Aldi who refused to wear a mask while shopping. What a guy!
SCOTT: It’s very nice to meet you. Have you always been selfish or is this a recent development?
DUMBY: I’ve pretty much always been selfish. Growing up, I’d always blow out my brother’s candles on his birthday. One time I set up a fake charity and convinced all my friends and family to donate. But how else was I supposed to afford a new Xbox?
SCOTT: That makes sense. Do you find it odd that you’re literally the only person in this supermarket that isn’t wearing a mask?
DUMBY: Well, I’ve always been a trailblazer. Like the time I went skinny dipping. It’s way more comfortable not having anything on your skin. And the other people at the community pool didn’t get all that mad about it.
SCOTT: I see. Aren’t you worried about spreading Covid?
DUMBY: Honestly, I kind of think this “disease” is a hoax by the liberal elite. I mean, why else would-
SCOTT: *Slaps Dumby in the face with a well-priced frozen trout.* Well, thanks for joining me today. Good luck in life!
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Mysteries of Richmond
I returned to my converted-warehouse home in Scott’s Addition late Tuesday night. The still night air hung heavy with humidity and gripped at my skin as I walked from the parking lot toward my porch stairs. As I approached, I could see my neighbors switch off their lights and shut their blinds. Something was amiss. Perhaps it was the global pandemic ravaging our world. Perhaps it was the string of political foibles ruining our nation. But I sensed it was something more important. More urgent. I cautiously ascended the concrete steps…. And that’s when I saw it! A potted plant! One that I hadn’t purchased! Where had it come from? Who had given it to me? I dropped to my knees in anguish, wondering what this could possibly mean.
Well, my 12th grade creative writing teacher would be proud of that last paragraph. Here’s to you, Mrs. Mirsky. Jokes aside, I did come home to a mysterious plant on Tuesday night and can’t figure out who gave it to me. There are only a handful of people who know exactly where I live, and I’ve contacted each of them to ask about the plant. They’ve all claimed ignorance. With that, I have a few theories.
Theory 1: The Russians. Now that Scott’s Edition has become a major news publication (28 subscribers and counting!), those damn Commies want control. The plant is bugged and will be used to spy on me. Don’t worry, though, I haven’t taken the plant inside yet.
Theory 2: Sleepgardening. Much like sleepwalking, sleepgardening is a condition whereby one invests time and energy in the greening of one’s home. Perhaps I’ve developed a Tyler Durden-like ailment that has caused me to purchase the plant in my sleep. It would also explain the mounds of topsoil I find in my bed every morning.
Theory 3: It grew there. Is it possible that my plastic folding table is actually a fertile hotbed? Probably not, but hey at least the first two theories were kind of clever.
Theory 4: The Jews. I dare you to find a good conspiracy theory that doesn’t somehow involve the Chosen People.
If you have any leads on where this plant came from, what type of bamboo it is, and how to care for it, that would be great. Until then, I’ll be living in fear.
One Real Thing: Music Review of Honest Debts
If I’m going to spend the effort publishing a bunch of nonsense articles each week, I think I deserve the opportunity to share some real stories from time to time. Hopefully they’re still entertaining. This week, I saw Honest Debts, one of Richmond’s hottest bands, perform at Brambly Park. Don’t worry, Mom, I was outside and socially distancing. Here’s my review.
In early March, Honest Debts earned the opportunity to perform weekly at The Hof, a premier music venue in Richmond. They were only able to perform a couple of times before Covid hit, forcing the music scene into a tailspin. 6 months later, the five-man multi-genre band is back and better than ever. With the addition of keyboardist Justin Ott, Honest Debts wowed the wine-drunk crowd at Brambly with their mixture of classic rock and soul-infused jam-band tunes. The music is Turkuaz meets Pigeons Playing Ping-Pong with the occasional Ozzy Osbourne hit thrown in. Along with Justin, Alex Roberson (bass), Matt Elgin (lead guitar), and Jacob Hill (drums) mesh extremely well, feeding off of each other’s high-energy performances. Lead singer and guitarist Sam Valentine sounds like a mixture of Ben Rector and Michael Bublé if they sang about themes other than love and Christmas. Although the band members are still fairly young, they present themselves as experienced, knowledgeable musicians. I’ll give them 5 out of 5 Scotties, and you should give them a listen on Spotify.
Jake’s Bucket List
Our good friend Jake has finally kicked the bucket and left Richmond. He completed a whopping zero items on his bucket list. In his honor, we’ll continue to update the Richmond Bucket List for fun things to do in town.
Live music at The Hof rooftop.
Flaming Cheese at Stella’s.
See a band perform at Brambly. Seriously, it’s awesome!
Figure out who left Scott a plant.
Leave Scott another plant. Preferably something that’s easy to take care of.
Have a suggestion for Jake’s Bucket List? Submit it here.
Comics, Described
Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.
Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for August 28, 2020
In Panel one we see Goat, the “straight man” of the Pearls Before Swine comics, talking to Pig, the foolish simpleton. Goat asks, “Hey, Pig, what are you up to this quarantine weekend?” Pig responds, “A whole lot of S and M.” Woah. Sounds like we’re in for quite the humorous setup.
In Panel two, Goat replies, “You? Really?” He is clearly surprised. Pig then comes back with, “Yeah, you never Sit and Mope?” Aha! The first panel was quite the misdirect!
In Panel three, Goat dryly states, “Perhaps we should define our terms.” Pig closes the cartoon by stating, “Everyone’s doing it.” Indeed they are, Pig. Indeed they are.
That’s a wrap! Good luck starting your week tomorrow.
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I’m Scott, and this is Scott’s Edition. Have a great start to the week!
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