The Name Behind the News
August 23, 2020
Edition 03
Hellllloooooo Sunday! Welcome to the third week of Scott’s Edition. It only took 21 days for my brother to subscribe which really rocked my self-esteem. Anyway, here are some funny stories or whatever.
Weekly Stats (and more!)
James River Gage Height --> 5’3, ↓ 43% in the past week.
Scott’s Height --> 6’0”, if wearing heels.
AB InBev Stock Price --> 55.62, ↓ 2.0%
The Office Annual Netflix Ranking --> 9th
Gold --> $1942.40, ↓ -0.17% in the past week.
Looks like Richmond is in for a heat wave this week, though at least we’ll have less rain.
Weekly Scottlight
Each week, the Edition will catch up with someone and get to know them a bit better. This week, I interviewed Jake A., David L. and Casey M., three roommates who will be vacating their Richmond townhome this week. Jake is heading to Denver, David’s moving to Charlotte, and Casey is continuing to live at his fiance’s house. This week, I actually spent the time interviewing them!
SCOTT: David, what are you most looking forward to about moving to Charlotte?
DAVID: I’m not prepared for this interview. Don’t I normally get these questions in advance?
SCOTT: Great. I’m sure that’ll be a lot of fun. What will you miss the most about your home here in Richmond?
DAVID: Probably the mud pit.
SCOTT: The mud pit? What does that mean?
DAVID: You understand.
SCOTT: Uh, no I’m sorry I don’t.
DAVID: No, that’s like a thing people say: “You understand.” Ya know?
SCOTT: Alright let’s turn now to Jake. So, Jake, what do you want me to ask you?
JAKE: I don’t know. You’re the comedian.
SCOTT: Yeah but I need content from you.
JAKE: Well, I don’t know what to say.
SCOTT: Great. I’m writing this down. This is comedy gold. Next question: what will your first meal be in Denver?
JAKE: Rocky mountain oysters. (*Note, if you don’t know what those are, I’d highly recommend not googling it).
SCOTT: And Casey, what will you miss the most?
CASEY: The spontaneous good times. When you live with good people, a Tuesday night could turn into the most fun Friday night. And sometimes Wednesdays felt like Sundays. And then a Saturday could make you feel like a Thursday morning. It was just super interesting never understanding what day it was.
SCOTT: Well okay then. Best of luck to all of you. You’ll be missed!
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Secret Superpowers
Scotties (yes, that’s what I’ll be referring to my subscribers as from now on), I have a confession to make. My family and I have superpowers. I know, I know, that sounds crazy, but just listen. We haven’t told anyone about them, because these superpowers honestly make us sound like a bunch of ass holes. They’re pretty useful for us, but don’t help anyone else. Here’s a run down of all of our powers. Please don’t hate us.
Kim (Scott’s Mom AKA The Big Itch):
“First of all, “Superpower” is a bit of a stretch. We all have powers, but there really isn’t anything super about them. Also, none of us can control our powers. They just sort of happen.
"I first discovered mine after a camping trip I took with some friends in college. When I was collecting firewood, I accidentally walked into a mosquito swarm. They bit me up pretty badly. I woke up in the middle of the night to scratch them and they went away almost instantly! I was amazed. The next day, I woke up to find that my tent-mate had a ton of mosquito bites even though she hadn’t gone into the woods. Since then, I’ve realized that whenever I scratch a mosquito bite, I end up transferring the bite to the person closest to me. I’ve never mentioned it to anyone.”
Bruce (Scott’s Dad AKA Green Lightern):
“When I’m driving and see a red light, it immediately changes to green. And I mean immediately. It’s been helpful to get through traffic, but it’s caused quite a few fender benders.”
Jason (Scott’s brother AKA Captain Bubble):
“I only realized I had a power once I started 4th grade. That was the first time we took a test using a Scantron. You know, those sheets where you bubble in your answer choice. I got a perfect score on the first test. I just thought I was smart. I started studying less and less because I kept getting perfect scores. Eventually, I didn’t even look at the test and would just fill in bubbles at random. I kept getting 100s, but my classmates were starting to do really poorly. I realized that whatever I filled in was what the Scantron counted as the “correct” answer. After that, I made sure to study at least a bit so that other people in the class wouldn’t fail.”
Scott (Scott AKA Scott):
“I discovered my power recently. I have the ability to make people waste five to seven minutes of their Sunday afternoon reading nonsense articles. I kinda wish I had the mosquito bite power instead.”
Jake’s Bucket List
Our good friend Jake is leaving Richmond this week and heading to jazz music’s birthplace, Denver. Each week, we’ll update his Richmond Bucket List.
Live music at The Hof rooftop.
Flaming Cheese at Stella’s.
Drink wine at Brambly.
Hot yoga.
Cold yoga.
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Recently Googled
By Taylor C.
This week, I had the pleasure of revisiting a top 5 movie soundtrack of all time. Of course, I'm referring to the classic rock-heavy Awesome Mix Vol. 1 (aka The Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack). Among your mother's favorite hits to toss back a couple wine coolers to exists Escape (The Pina Colada Song). Guess we're just gonna do a lot of parenthesis in this section of the newsletter. Listening to this bop begged the question "Who the fuck is this guy? And why is his list of preferred qualities in a partner so specific?" So I did the only sensible thing and dictated that to Siri. When Siri inevitably disappointed me, I resorted to manually typing this into google.com:
As it turns out, Rupert Holmes (David Goldstein by birth) is not just the Pina Colada guy. He's actually won two Tony awards for Drood. Billboard's Hot 100 indicates that people liked a second song of his called Him but I've never heard of it, so probably not. He has a net worth of $20 million, which I assume was largely amassed from Shrek royalties (remember that scene when we were introduced to Fiona?). However, despite his apparent success, there isn’t a ton of information on this guy.
While we’re talking about Mr. Holmes, I want to point out a huge issue I have with The Pina Colada Song. The song’s protagonist sings about his strained, dull marriage throughout the song, going so far as to respond to a love ad in the paper for a woman seeking a man who “likes Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain.” The diddy ends at a cafe where the man discovers that it is, in fact, his own wife that had put the ad in the paper. They laugh about it, happy that they’ve now found something in common. But, like, come on! In reality they’d be furious with each other. Not only were they both eagerly about to cheat on one another, but they premeditated their marital affair through news print, a sacred medium that should be reserved for sports news and obits.
Hope you all have a great week.
Comics, Described
Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.
Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for August 22, 2020
Panel one shows us Dilbert and The Pointy-haired Boss (yes, that’s the character’s actual name) sitting in a conference room together. Dilbert states, “I’ve got an idea. Let’s add a battery backup to our product.”
In Panel two, the Boss stares blankly at Dilbert, contemplating his subordinate’s suggestion. Meanwhile, Dilbert thinks to himself, “One… Two… Three…” as he waits for his boss’s response.
In Panel three, the Boss, copying Dilbert, exclaims, “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we add a battery backup to our product?” to which Dilbert immediately responds, “Because our product doesn’t use electricity.” Damn Dilbert! You got him good!
That’s all I’ve got for you today, folks. Big shoutout to Taylor C. for his contribution and for my family for opening up about their superpowers.
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I’m Scott, and this is Scott’s Edition. Have a great start to the week!
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