The Name Behind the News
August 16, 2020
Edition 02
Here’s to another weekend well spent. Welcome to Scott’s Edition, week two. A warm welcome to Max, Bobby, Amanda, Taylor, and Lauren. I bet a lot of you thought this was a one-time thing. Well guess what, it’s happening at least twice. With that, let’s dive in!
Weekly Stats (and more!)
James River Gage Height --> 9’3”, ↑ 58% in the past week.
Scott’s Height --> 6’2”, if I was lying.
Maddie’s latest bedtime --> 12:08 AM
Social Distancing Distance --> 6’, no change from prior week
Gold --> $1,945.80, ↓ -0.29% since Friday.
Another week of rain is in store for Richmond, VA, so break out those Umbrella Shoes™ and get outside!
Weekly Scottlight
Each week, the Edition will catch up with someone and get to know them a bit better. This week, I interviewed* Eve B. who works in the Research & Development department for a major hummus manufacturer. To maintain her privacy, let’s just call this company, “Sabra.”
SCOTT: Hi, Eve. I understand you experiment with new Hummus flavors. Can you explain to me how the flavor process works in terms of testing, FDA approval, and consumer roll-out?
EVE: Well, there are different types of flavors that -
SCOTT: Right you are! Very insightful. Next question: have you ever questioned your place in the world and wondered if life is meaningless?
EVE: Uh. No, I don’t think I have.
SCOTT: Fantastic. So, I hear your birthday is Monday, the day after the Edition comes out. If you could pick any gift in the world, what would you want?
EVE: I think I’d just want all of my friends to be happy and healthy so they could -
SCOTT: No, no. I meant something real. Like a new dress or a pony or something else that conforms to outdated gender stereotypes.
EVE: That’s pretty offensive.
SCOTT: Indeed it is! Well, thanks for joining me today. Hope you have a very happy birthday!
*The information and “quotes” contained within this interview are purely fictional. Though they are designed to make the reader laugh, they often fail to do so. For that, the entire writing staff of Scott’s Edition apologizes.
Election Update
This week’s top story is Democratic Presidential Nominee Joe Biden’s announcement of his Vice Presidential running mate, Kamala Harris. The pair will take on President Trump and Vice President Pence in the November election. When asked about his choice, Biden explained, “She would-she’d be a great person-would-she’d-she’d-go to the pool-the local pool and-she’d-the kids-they’d come up-they’d come up and they’d rub my leg-my leg hairs-and they’d rub em and they’d-they’d watch em...go and stand-they’d stand back up. So I know about kids-I know about kids sitting on my lap.” See that full speech here.
While we here at Scott’s Edition are committed to providing you with accurate current events, we want to stress that we are an apolitical newsletter and, as such, refuse to take sides or back specific candidates in the upcoming election.
SPONSORED BY BIDEN-HARRIS 2020
Vote for a functioning adult in November!
Do you remember in high school when your class elected the popular jock as student council president instead of the intelligent nerd? Me neither, because I don’t think any of us attended a high school from a 1980s movie. However, I do remember when the American public elected a tiny-fingered man-child as President four years ago. We now have a chance to undo our error and instead elect a functioning adult. So, come November, head to the polls and cast your vote for Biden-Harris.
Brand New Tech
In today’s world, it’s often difficult to realize how quickly our society has advanced. From the introduction of the iPhone only 13 years ago to the rise of consumer-grade virtual reality headsets, technology has come a long way. Rather than discuss the newest trends, I thought we could all appreciate what we have today by looking back at the sleekest, newest technology from the past. This week, let’s turn back the clock to 1877 to take a look at an advertisement in the US Naval Gazette.
1877
Are you a heroic Navy sailor worried about the ongoing Indian Wars? Are you angry that Rutherford B. Hayes was elected as President even though Samuel J. Tilden won the popular vote? Are you confused about that 38th star being added to the American flag? Don’t worry, I’m sure there won’t be any more. But you know what there will be more of? Tragedies on your naval vessels. But boy do we have an invention for you! It’s not so much a way of preventing these tragedies as it is simply a way of alerting others that a tragedy has occurred. Now introducing the flare gun, by Edward Very! Nothing says, “I’m in danger!” like shooting a small bit of fire into the air. Get yours today because next year, I’d bet the Yellow Fever will wreak havoc on this country much like the Covid crisis of 2020. Alright, well this joke went on far too long so I think we’ll just go to the next section. Batteries sold separately.
Jake’s Bucket List
Our good friend Jake is leaving Richmond and heading to the City of Brotherly Love, Denver. Each week, we’ll update his Richmond Bucket List.
Live music at The Hof rooftop.
Flaming Cheese at Stella’s.
Drink wine at Brambly.
Throw rocks at the ducks in Maymont park.
Smooth talk our way out of going to jail for throwing rocks at the ducks in Maymont park.
Make friends in prison after failing to smooth talk our way out of going to jail for throwing rocks at the ducks in Maymont park.
Parole.
Have a suggestion for Jake’s Bucket List? Submit it here.
Don’t have a suggestion for Jake’s Bucket List? Then don’t do anything!
Spot the Differences
Can you spot the differences between the two images below? There are at least seven. Let us know what differences you find here.
Image 01
Image 02
Hint: Looks like Putin isn’t up for a game of Badminton!
Comics, Described
Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.
Peanuts by Charles Schulz for August 13, 2020
In Panel 1, we see good ol’ Charlie Brown talking to his pet dog, Snoopy. They’re both wearing baseball caps and Snoopy is sitting on the bench, bat in hand. Charlie says to him, “This is our last game of the season, Snoopy…”
Panel 2 shows us a close up of the conversation between Charlie and his canine friend. Charlie continues, “If you don’t hit a home run today and tie Babe Ruth’s record, Hank Aaron will beat you to it!”
In Panel 3, the time has come for Snoopy’s at-bat. He looks determined as he faces down the pitcher, ready to swing for the fences. He thinks, “Tough luck, Hank… I’m going to hit the first pitch over the fence... “
In the 4th and final Panel, we see the ball zooming over Snoopy’s head, knocking his hat off. Snoopy looks a bit concerned at his proximity to danger as he thinks, “Well, maybe the second pitch…”
Man! What a classic Charles Schulz zinger!
Thanks for sticking through another week of the Edition. That flare gun section was pretty dumb.
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I’m Scott, and this is Scott’s Edition. Have a great start to the week!
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